The Friday Five

This week's installment of The Friday Five is...

The five real mysteries of Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? As of late, our family has been watching a lot of this cartoon. Henry discovered it about six months ago. It's brought back such nostalgia for both me and Jeremy. After watching it over and over, we've noticed that besides the mystery in every episode where the monster is eventually unmasked, we've come up with a few questions of our own.

Now mind you, I'm going to skip over all the obvious questions surrounding this show such as, 'Is Velma a lesbian?' or, 'Does anyone else in the Gang notice that Fred and Daphne always disappear to make sexy time?' or finally, 'Is Shaggy always stoned?' The answers to these questions are, yes, no and yes. In that order.

Here are the questions Jeremy and I ask ourselves each time we hear the Scooby-Doo theme song starting up:

1. What's with all the real estate fraud? Have you ever noticed that almost every episode revolves around this concept? Why don't the 'villains' just take the current land owners to court? Why not old fashioned murder? Not that I'm suggesting violence on a 1970's cartoon, but how did everyone get the revelation to spook people out of their property? And why don't the authorities ever suspect the Gang's involvement in any of this? After all, they're always smack dab in the middle of these elaborate property disputes. And wouldn't the Gang become wise to this eventually? You'd think after you've been chased by one vampire who was eventually unmasked as the old care-taker of the haunted hotel, the next immortal creature you ran across...well, you'd be a little wiser.

2. Why doesn't the Gang pay more attention to their surroundings initially? This would certainly save them at least 22 minutes per day, at least per episode. It would, however, rob us of seeing 'those meddling kids' visit the Snow Ghost in the Himalayas. And how'd that Mystery Machine make it up that hill?

Do you know how many mysteries involved hidden wires, transparent skis, projectors and mirrors? And that's just old school Scooby-Doo. On the What's New, Scooby-Doo? program, the techno-trickery involves, plasma screen televisions mounted to the bottom of boats, elaborate power point technology, lasers and mind operated computers.

If the Gang just would take a closer look at their surroundings and take the time to learn the difference between dry ice and actual smoke, their trips would be a little more hassle free.

3. What's up with Velma and her glasses? Seriously, she's always losing them. Even my three year old gets frustrated with her carelessness with those things. He's all, "Velma! Pick up your glasses already!"

Velma's a smart gal. I bet she gets good grades. Why doesn't she take some of the scholarship money and invest in LASEK eye surgery or at the very least contacts? Do you even know how many ghouls have gotten this close to capturing the Gang while old Velma looks for her specs?

Really, chick. Go see an Opthamologist.

4. Just how does the Gang know the Harlem Globe Trotters and Phyllis Diller? These folks show up, at random, through out the episodes. Don't get me wrong, I love that they have friends in high places, and I'm always for seeing a little Ms. Diller, but a little back story or character development wouldn't hurt either.

5. Why doesn't the Gang ever walk side by side? They always seem to travel in a single file line, one after the other. Additionally, they rarely talk while they walk. They seem to be really interested in what's ahead of them. They all have this goofy look on their face as though they can't wait to get to where it is they are walking, be it a cave in the basement of a haunted house, a wax museum or a deserted graveyard in New Orleans.

The Friday Five

This Friday Five is all about heart break and the top five techniques I've seen used to create it.

Here’s Buckner. He’s trying to buy a house.

He and his wife have been utilizing the services of a part-time Real Estate Agent who just so happens to be a friend. However, things just aren't working out for the Buckners because the part-time real estate agent takes his part-time status very seriously.

Scott asked my advice the other day on how he could gently let his friend/agent down easy while still letting him know that he is a little disappointed. I told him that I’d be more than happy to help him find an easy way of letting his friend go by lending him some wisdom that I’ve learned from breakups in my past. (In the remainder of this post, the word ‘agent’ shall represent the person who is no longer the object of affection.)

1. It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve heard this before. Turns out, it IS you and not them. However, I’ve used this excuse myself and really believed the words coming out of my mouth just to discover weeks later that it WAS them. If someone ever tells you this it means they are too lazy to come up with excuse.

2. The Friend Zone. I like you (agent) better as a friend. This wouldn’t work with Scott’s situation. The agent already is his friend.

3. Double Timing. Just show up with another agent. This method has proven highly successful on me. Some people call this cheating. I’m some people. It’s a clear indicator that you’ve moved on. I’ve had a few agents end relationships with me this way. If Bucker chooses this escape route, he will have to do one of two things when confronted; 1) Deny what the agent is seeing with his very eyes and tell the agent that the other agent is just a friend, or 2) Ignore his agent and hope he goes away. This is probably the most uncomfortable of all the break up techniques.

4. The Freeze Out. This is the method of choice for a lot of people looking to loose their agent. Simply put, Scott should just start putting his agent down, stop returning his agent’s calls and make life pretty miserable for him. This will force the agent to break up with Buckner, thus, letting him off the hook for being the instigator of the break up. Caution: this technique will take longer, sometimes up to years to execute. It will often lead to scarring the agent with self esteem and trust issues, but in the end, you DO get the break up without having to say the words “break” and “up” together in the same sentence. However, the sad break up story DOES go to the agent and they will use this mojo to attract other ‘prospective buyers’.

5. Witness Protection Program. Scott could tell his agent that he’s been living a secret life and protected by the witness protection program. His cover has been compromised and he has to move on. He can’t tell the agent where he’s moving on to due to security reasons. This honestly happened to the father of a friend of mine. He bought the story and was heartbroken as he told us this whole drawn out saga. Even as a ninth grader, when I heard this scenario, I was thinking to myself, ‘Dude, you got scammed. Big time.”

In the end, Scott opted to not take ANY of my advice as to how to cut ties with his agent. As of press time, Scott had decided to pass a note to his agent letting him know that he wanted to break up and that he would no longer be his BRERF (Best Real Estate Agent Forever).

The Friday Five

Wow. I've kept 'The Friday Five' going for two whole weeks. In a row, people. This week's five will be Jeremy's favorite movies of all time and an in-depth look at what these say about him.

1. Dumb and Dumber. I don't really care what this says about him, because this movie is off-the carts hilarious. I'm pretty sure Jeremy decided to go ring shopping the very day he found out that I had seen this movie more times than he had. Also, I think this was our very first DVD purchase.

Liking this movie, it says that Jeremy has the heart and funny bone of a seventh-grade boy. It says he's not above seeing a movie that scored zero stars in the local papers when movie reviews were coming out for it. Also, you should know that Jeremy knows every line from this movie and quotes it regularly. He will refer to any stranger wearing a trucker hat as 'Seabass'.

Another also? Without fail, if we are out to eat and someone at our table asks the server about the soup of the day, before the server even rattles off the type of soup available, Jeremy will inevitably say, 'Soup of the day? Mmmm, that sounds delicious." Sometimes I ask about the soup just to humor him.

2. Red Dawn. Liking this movie says that Jeremy hasn't seen this movie in well over a decade. Obviously. It's sort of a nostalgic thing for him. If he were to re-watch it, surely he would see that he's romanticised it in his head. Trust me, I did this with Xanadu. I'm not about to go and burst his bubble either. Again, I did this with Xanadu. It was a sad day for old Jen when she watched that piece after building it up in my mind as prolific and timeless. A muse sent down from heaven wearing roller skates? I DO, however, want to see the Broadway musical. Rollerskating muses...on Broadway? Yes!

Unlike Dumb and Dumber, Jeremy cannot quote every line from Red Dawn. He DOES, however, quote the most critical point of tension from the movie. I think it's Thomas C. Howell's character (Pony Boy, is that you?) that yells out 'Wolverines!'.

You should also know, that Jeremy thinks the premise for Red Dawn could actually happen. It's set in the Cold War era. The Russians have invaded the USA and the only stronghold against them are a handful of scrappy teens that are hidden away in a grade school. Or is it a high school? Patrick Swaze, Pony Boy, Lea Thompson and Jennifer Grey (pre-nose job) are the who's who among 80's stars before they had veneers. You know what? In Red Dawn, I think somebody actually DID put Baby in the corner.

* Update* We probably won't be taking in another viewing of Red Dawn any time soon. Jeremy's holding out until it hits Broadway as well.

3. The Usual Suspects. Keyser Soze! This movie is one of the most clever films ever. I begged Jeremy to see it with me while we were dating. He didn't pay much attention to it then, he was too busy dating me. But a few years later, he caught it on TBS and it blew his mind.

Liking this movie means that Jeremy loves a good twist. He loves suspense coupled with creative layers of storytelling. I think it also means he has a secret thing for Gabriel Byrne. Or is that me?

Whenever this movie comes on cable, Jeremy acts like there's a drug raid going down or something. He's all, "Grab the kids! Turn down the lights! Take that phone of the hook and shut the blinds and lock all the doors! I need to CONCENTRATE here people!" He's all about devoting all his attention to this movie. I guess he's not trying so hard to date me anymore.

4. A River Runs Through It. There's really no need for explanation here. It's obligatory that every male between the ages of 25-45 love this movie. I think they have to check a box or something when they register to vote.

5. Tommy Boy. We recently caught a screening of Tommy Boy on cable. It was the first time in about 10 years that I watched this thing, without interruption, from beginning to end. Something struck me as the credits began rolling. Most of Jeremy's humor and one liners are directly taken from this film.

I turned to Jeremy and said, "If I had just met you, and this was our fifth date, I would be so ticked at you right now." Jeremy gives me a puzzled look.

I go on to tell him that 90% of his humor comes from Chris Farley and David Spade's characters.

His response? "I'm surprised you didn't know that. YOU'VE got a think candy shell."

The Friday Five

So, I’m toying with an idea for this blog. I think I might start posting a list of five things that are on the top of my mind every Friday. They could be a list of things about me, about Jeremy or the kids, things bugging me or things I’m grateful for at the moment. I hope this can become a regular feature. Now don’t go thinking I’m all creative, because a lot of bloggers do this and I promise they do it better. Also, notice I am not planning on publishing ‘The Friday Fifteen’. I don’t aspire to lofty goals.

This week, my ‘Friday Five’ will be five things that you may not know about me. I guess, this week if you buy the first five, I’m throwing in one for free. After all, I already disclosed that I don’t aspire to lofty goals.

Well, here goes. Five things you may not know about me:

1. I don’t like talking on the phone. It’s just unnecessary. I think there was a brief period between 1986 and 1991 that I absolutely lived and died by the thing. But not now. Maybe my hatred for the phone dates back to the fact that my parents wouldn’t let me have a personal phone in my room. They insisted they were looking out for my best interest. I think they just wanted to eavesdrop. I kid. I kid.

Most of my phone conversations are under four minutes. Anything longer than that, I start to lose concentration. Also, if I call you, unsolicited just to chat, know that I really, really, REALLY like you. I have close, dear friends that I don’t talk to on the phone, ever.

I’ve gotten better about my phone phobia recently. Rozzie lovingly pointed out that I was not being a good phone friend. I have worked diligently over the past year to call the people I love/like more frequently. Roz even gave me a few suggestions for phone calls. She told me to start slowly and say things like, “That’s interesting, tell me more.” Or “What have you been doing lately?” She insists that eventually I could work up to more specific questions like, “What music are you into now?” She claims that by using this technique, I’m bound to draw the other person out more and I won’t have to do so much talking.

So, feel free to call me. I may just drop newly learned phone skills on you.

2. I don’t hate the Boston Red Sox as much as I tell you I do. I know, as a Yankee Fan since the 1980’s, I should have a hatred for the Bosox, but I just don’t. What can I say, me loves me some Manny Ramirez.

However, if you corner me on this or bring it up in mixed company (BTW: mixed company is anyone who isn’t a Yankee fan or someone that has a fondness for the Cubbies), I will deny, deny, deny.

3. I am nervous to meet you. Let me clarify. I’m nervous to meet up at a pre-arranged location where we both drive separate cars. Will you be waiting for me in the parking lot? Will you be inside? What if you come in a different door? Will we miss each other? What if you’ve drastically changed your hair and I don’t recognize you? Will parking be a hassle? What if I’m late? What if you’re late?

Those are only the questions rolling around in my head while you and I are talking, making arrangements to meet. Can you image what’s going though my head on the drive over?

Know that the huge smile I give you when we finally DO meet up at the pre-arranged location is one part ‘I’m so glad to see you’ and one part ‘Thank-goodness-that-mini-panic-attack-I-just-had-getting-here is now OVER!’

4. I like to go to movies alone. Don’t get me wrong, I really WOULD like to go to the movies with you, but sometimes I just like to go alone. When Jeremy gives me some time off from my motherly duties, I will usually nap or try to figure out how to squeeze a movie in alone.

5. I have a favorite checker at WalMart. Her name is Margaret. She typically works in the checkout lane that sells tobacco so her line is usually longer than most. But I really think she’s friendly and I will stand a longer in her line to just have small talk time with her.

Margaret’s line just so happens to be the one that stores all the boxes of gum that is waiting to be put out for display. After seeing her so often, she has learned that Henry likes a particular type of gum. She goes through a big production of going back and getting him a pack of gum right from the box even if we don’t ask her to. She hands it to him and says the same thing every time, “Enjoy it, little guy!”

Henry thinks she’s given him such a treat. Of course, what he doesn’t know is that I’M the one buying it and I’M the one that chews most of it.